don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
