my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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