I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
