i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
