I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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