It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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