I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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