I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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