Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
