Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize