the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
