I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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