Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
