So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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