I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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