Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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