I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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