My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I didn't notice because vodka
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
