Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
