Apparently you make a good broom.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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