How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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