My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
