At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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