I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
