Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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