He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Don't make out with my wife yet
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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