dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i've created a new STD.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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