oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
