I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
