She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
