If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
