Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
