Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk is a universal language darling
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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