im six kinds of drunk right now
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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