I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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