you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
