How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
