Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
