I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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