How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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