dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
