i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
