You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
