I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
