all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
