yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
