Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
