the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
