dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize