Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
