Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
