i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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