my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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