he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
