that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
